The St. Francis Prayer To Stop Birds from Pooping On Him

I think my talents are being wasted in this role. — Hi Glenn, I’ve tried calling Mike but keep getting the voice mail. Guess he’s busy! Anyway, I wanted to talk with someone about the role I’ve been assigned in the marriage proposal. I know you’ve kind of swooped in to take over a lot of the planning from Mike. Great…

We took a deep dive to find out what happened to one of the most uninfluential bands of the century. — The Escalator Boys were a doo-wop band of incredibly little importance throughout the 1950s and 1960s. Despite their complete irrelevance, several of the band’s tunes inexplicably topped the charts, among them such hits as, “Stale Breath of the Lonely,” “Pass the Vaseline, Bluebird,” and “Well, What About Your Sister? She…

In September of 1906, Elijah Dane Coleridge, heir to the Coleridge pastry fortune, defiantly set out to live in a secluded cabin in Alaska and, aside from continued cartoon caption submissions to the New Yorker, was never heard from again. Years after his disappearance, the following diary entries were discovered…

Wait until the academics get a load of this amusing situation — I remember it like it was yesterday. The Germans wore gray, I wore a funny little propeller hat. As I blinked the Dramamine from my eyes, I realized I had finally arrived in the year 1928. My plan to kidnap Ernest Hemingway in his prime and bring him to my…

What’s this I hear about you slouching? — The darkness drops again; but now I know That twenty centuries of stony sleep Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle, And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? — -William Butler Yeats, The Second Coming David, I figured I’d reach…

Questions to help you make this important decision. — If you are reading this, the cryogenic chamber has failed and I am dead. Make sure to have Doctor Charles Borgeson of the Fienberg Cryogenic Institute arrested immediately. The papers incriminating him are in the oak desk that once belonged to Stalin. Now, wipe your tears, soldier. You must begin…

Elementary, my dear Rogan. — I was lunching with Holmes in the latter’s abode when suddenly there came an urgent knock upon his door. Less than a minute later, Sir Frederik Pounce was standing before us in an utter sweat. “Forgive me for the intrusion, gentlemen,” Pounce said nervously. “But I didn’t know where else…