This year, as some of you may know, I’ve been participating in a “Daily” Monologue challenge, as well as serializing a novel about ghosts. It turns out that such endeavors really clutter up a Medium page. Frankly, it smells like a gym bag on here.
So, inspired by David Sedaris’s latest money grab, I’ve decided to compile a “Best-of” article and paste it like a treatise at the top of my Medium page, as well as on the doors of several local government buildings.
The following articles are some of my “favorite” “bits.” Now, not all of them performed very…
Below you’ll find all of the chapters of Ghost Law in order. Chapters are still being written at this time and each will be linked here immediately after publishing (thanks to Lee Ameka for this idea for organizing these!).
I was awoken (awaked?) by a light flashing in my face. As I always do when I’m unconscious and see a light, I ran as fast as I could directly toward it. But this time, a hand slapped me back down on my cot. I opened my eyes and saw an unfamiliar figure examining me.
The figure had long hair carefully knotted into a bun atop her head. Her face was intense and focused. Her body was like a poached egg — transparently white and floating fluidly in place.
“Stay still,” she said. I followed her orders and accepted the…
Find the previous chapters of Ghost Law at this link.
The experiments the following day of my contractual capture were less than fun. For one thing, they made me get up at like 6 o’clock in the morning. Who does that?
The breakfast was uninspiring. Toast? Really? The renown fortuneteller couldn’t have foreseen that my favorite breakfast is sausage? I was really beginning to wonder what was in all those documents I signed, especially because when I tried to leave the goblin guard kept standing in my way and saying, “You’re goin’ nowhere, punk.”
The first test wasn’t so bad…
Experiment: Sat behind large pillar during game to avoid attention. Cost: $350. Result: Discovered by the peanut vendor and my head was dribbled like a basketball.
Experiment: Wore a T-shirt that said, “Attention: My Head is Not A Basketball.” Cost: $40. Result: Drew attention. My head was dribbled like a basketball.
Experiment: Hired an actor to impersonate me at game and divert crowd’s attention away from real me. Cost: $200. Result: Actor dribbled my head like a basketball.
Experiment: Used reverse psychology; asked people to please dribble my head like a basketball. Cost: $0. …
“You moron. Haven’t you been listening to a word I said? They don’t want you there,” Madam Twilge explained, after I’d asked her to help me get to the moon to see Shucky Frazer so he could teach me “ghost law” to get the ghosts out of my childhood home. “And why are you giving me all this exposition? I told you, the door to the moon is closed and your money won’t change that.”
“Listen, you always said I should believe in myself — ”
“What? When? Are you having a stroke?”
“ — So that’s what I’m going…
Dubbed by the New York Times as “all out of free articles this month.”