A Few Notes While Lost At Sea
The best days of my lifeboat
First day lost in middle of ocean. Rest of passengers still acting awkward about me “pushing” (their word) old lady out of way to get spot on lifeboat. I mentioned how she’d cut me in line at the buffet right before the crash and that seemed to win some people over.
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Lost election for lifeboat captain to Drew (rigged?). First order of business was asking me to surrender my wig to bandage Carlita’s bleeding leg. I’m fine with it, but I hadn’t told them I was even wearing a wig, so it was weird that they’d ask. Like I said, I’m fine with it, but it was weird.
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So bored. Tried to start a splash fight but everyone got mad. Forgive me for trying to keep up morale, I guess? Meanwhile, Carlita gets to go on and on about her leg and everyone’s so interested. Here’s a suggestion: find some new material.
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Rough day. Everyone found out I’m the one who’s been having diarrhea in the tarp (tattled on by Simon, a born narc). Drew made a big speech about how it’s a “community tarp.” He asked me to poop over the side like everyone else but I kept pretending I couldn’t understand him and saying “huh? huh?” until everyone passed out from heat exhaustion.
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Gave everyone funny nicknames today but nobody liked them, especially “Stinky Leg” Carlita. Then “Dopey” Drew assigned everyone onboard a survival job except me. When I asked “what gives” he said I could keep a lookout for planes, even though he knows looking up toward the sun hurts my eyes. Talk about being out of touch with your constituents.
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Well, everyone found out I’ve been feeding the sharks with our food supplies (wanna take a wild guess who ratted?) I guess it’s a crime to love nature on this boat. I tried to explain that I was training the sharks to jump out of the water but they weren’t having it. They hogtied me again but let me go after an hour because of my screaming.
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My tan is coming in way more evenly than Drew’s. Pointed this out to everyone but they were all too focused on the “ship” Margaret-Ann supposedly “spotted in the distance.” Some people will say anything for attention.
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Drew had another big waste-of-time meeting that could have been an email to talk about getting rid of the sharks. Apparently I’d trained them too well and at night they are jumping out of the water and trying to capsize the boat. The obvious solution is allowing me to continue my training until they can do backflips like Shamu. But nobody liked this idea because then their precious Drew would have to admit he was wrong.
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What’s with all the hogtying on this boat? I was practicing spinning the flare gun around on my finger like a cowboy and it fell in the water because Perry rocked the boat with his aggressive sneezing. But I guess they have to take out their frustrations on someone, right? Now I know how Jesus felt. But at least he could walk on water. All I can do here is get an amazing tan.
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Ran out of food a few Glarps ago. Also came up with a new system to keep track of time called “Glarps.” Took a while to explain how it works to everyone, but I think using it will save us a lot of Glarps in the long run.
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Got up late last night to diarrhea in the tarp and saw the sky bursting with billions of brilliant stars. It really put everything into perspective and made me realize just how small and unimportant Drew is compared with the universe, and how large and powerful I am. Then I passed out.
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Concerned. Rest of boat had big meeting today while I was hogtied, this time for breaking the oars to try and make a guitar. Was going to use it to play funny parody songs I wrote, but this is the thanks I get. Drew insisted meeting wasn’t about throwing me overboard, but in between my screaming I heard Margaret-Ann say “We should throw him overboard.” Wow, Dopey Drew, a liar? You don’t say!!!
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Everyone here looks like crap, but for some reason my body’s coming in really toned from all this? I guess it’s my metabolism. Looking like a young Guy Pearce over here. I dunno. Just feeling blessed.
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Well, they compromised and voted to leave me stranded on a life preserver ring. I gave them the fight of their lives, licking and gumming their hands with my toothless mouth as they lifted me off the boat. It wasn’t enough, but still, it really annoyed them. Honestly, it’s a relief to be rid of those Mean Girls. So cliquey.
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Lost track of the Glarps. Hands are prune city.
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Was having the best sleep of my life when a big ship bumped into me. Learn to drive ships much? Anyway, they hoisted me on board and I went straight to their tarp. Good news: Still have best tan on ship. Bad news: Looks like they know about hogtying here.
