A Few Words About My Mentor

Here’s why everyone needs a mentor.

My mentor refuses to look at his students, preferring to scroll on his laptop. Photo by Yan Krukau

My mentor has a white, bushy beard that has somehow twice been caught in elevator doors.

No matter who enters his home or how many times, my mentor will hold up an antique rifle and order them to spell “Clydesdale.” It is his way.

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My mentor is the only psychology professor in the U.S. to receive full tenure at an auto mechanic school. His classes focused exclusively on theory, as he never touched cars or understood how they worked. He lost his tenure in 1977 after he was caught leering suggestively at a front axle.

My mentor does not eat meat, but if you order a chicken salad at a restaurant, he will take a handful off your plate and put it in his nose.

My mentor is extremely sensitive about his bald spot, particularly because it is on his lower back.

My mentor has been married four times. Three of his former wives were Donescue sisters, and one, due to a paperwork mixup, was a soft-shell crab.

He has a giant painting of Roger Goodell in his study. He says he painted it without ever seeing Roger Goodell or knowing of Roger Goodell’s existence. The image simply came to him in a dream.