A Guide to Modern Protest

The act of protest has been sewed deeply into the fabric of America. Throughout the centuries, that fabric has been repeatedly soiled, washed, and hung out to dry before proudly heaved right back up the nation’s great, quivering legs. It was Hamilton who once said, “Jabba, this is your last chance. Free us or die.” Or maybe that was Mark Hamill.

But the act of protest has changed over the years, as well. In the 1700s, for example, it was common to protest the government by rubbing ointment on yams and mailing them to representatives. It was said Thomas Jefferson once received so many ointment-lathered yams in the mail that he laid down in traffic and had his vertebrae crushed by a team of mules.

Today, however, such measures are less viable, what with the price of stamps. Modern protest has taken new and titillating forms. What follows is a brief guide for protesting in 2025.

Chanting. Any effective protest must include a chant of some kind. It must be clever, but not so clever as to make one consider uploading it to SoundCloud. A reliable first stanza is “Hey, Hey, What Do You Say,” as many things rhyme with “say,” such as “day” or “pay” or “clay.” Whereas “Hey, Hey, What Do You Orange” hits a wall fairly quickly, unless one is protesting fruit, which should be avoided. It is important to designate a chant “leader” who can guide the protest’s…