I took inventory of the legal tomes I had left that hadn’t been “smashed” by my Hulk Hands. It was slim. A lot of DVDs of Boston Legal. I needed to become an expert in ghost removal law fast. Where to start?
I thought it might help if I made a list, so I started writing. But after about 35 minutes it turned into a pros-and-cons list of eating all the Gold Bond powder under my sink and taking a nap.
This is a common after-work activity for me and the only problem with it is that it gives me “Dark Dreams.” I always forget about this side effect until about two seconds after I “Bond.” These horrifying dreams usually involve zombies forcing me to eat glass or — worse — read my old Facebook posts out loud. But sometimes these dreams also contain premonitions.
On this occasion, after falling asleep, I saw my parents, who immediately began complaining that I never call. My brother Chuck then appeared and asked me to validate his parking.
It wasn’t long before Julianna-Anne’s face came into view, as it often did when I was “Golding.” I wanted to reach out to her and tell her she should get that discolored freckle looked at by a dermatologist.
But as soon as I opened my lips to speak, she and everything else in the vision dissolved back into the black recesses of my mind, and all that remained was an ad for Liberty Mutual Insurance.
I thought my dream was coming to an end and I prepared for the gremlins to arrive with their ice cubes and rubber ducks, as they always did in my “Dark Dreams.” But instead, I was surprised to see a billboard appear before me with the words, “Madam Twilge’s Fortune Telling and Ghost Consultations — Call Now.”
A voice, unmistakably Richard Dreyfuss’s, suddenly said, “Go to Madam Twilge — begin your journey toward closure and justice.”
A little on the nose plot-wise, but not unwelcome advice.
“How will I find this Madam Twilge?” I shouted dreamily.
“Ugh, star in Mr. Holland’s Opus one time and everyone expects you to know everything,” the voice said. “Look it up yourself, bubble butt!”
I heard a door slam, followed by a muffled argument with a director. Bubble butt?
Well, it was a place to start, anyway. And for that, I was grateful. I thought the hallucination was over and that I’d managed to finally get through a Dark Dream without the gremlins arriving — but no. Sure enough, the gremlins started filing in with their Tupperware, cracking their knuckles.
When I did finally snap out of it, I was scouring the phonebook — with a particular interest in the “T” section. Madam Twilge, where are you?
Find out where Madam Twilge is in the next episode of Ghost Law: My Journey To Reclaim My Haunted Childhood Home Through Due Process — only on TNT: