Daily Monologue | Jan. 6

Gee whiz, what a day to begin this thing! Well, anyway…

Twitter has suspended President Trump’s Twitter account. Trump is now trying to figure out how to send smoke signals in all caps.

Marijuana stocks rose following Georgia’s senate runoffs. Officials credited it to a high voter turnout.

Animal Planet announced its annual Puppy Bowl will continue as planned. Fans in attendance will be asked to wear masks, social distance, and avoid eating one another’s vomit.

President-elect Biden plans to nominate Obama’s ill-fated Supreme Court pick Merrick Garland as attorney general. Shortly after the announcement, rioters stormed the capitol. Despite the attempted coup, Garland said he was still feeling optimistic right before a piano fell on his head and knocked him into an open sewer.

Scientists say the earth is spinning faster than it has in 50 years. Turns out all they had to do was change the battery.