Grandma Nudnich Reviews Oscar Nominees
All the day I sit alone, wait by phone. Why? Who calls Grandma Nudnich? No one. I am alone. Why you send film and not big, strong Russian grandbabies? Why you not find good Russian man who knows what it is to suffer?
I go to store. They say “How are you today, Grandma Nudnich?” I say, “How you think I am? I sit all the day in agony and wait for death.” Then I buy cabbage, onion. Where are all the Russian grandbabies to feed? When you bring them to me?
Big, fat squirrel sits on porch, eating chair stuffing. Who will shoo this creature? Who can, when no one visits Grandma Nudnich? I take broom, say “GEET GEET!” Who listens? Not this squirrel. It knows. It knows Grandma Nudnich has no strong Russian grandbabies with taste for meat. Why?
Mailman comes to door with package, says “Beautiful day today, Grandma Nudnich!” I say nothing to this man, who has evil eyes like a snake. Will I die before I have big, iron Russian grandbabies who chop logs? Is this what you want?
Yesterday, Grandma Nudnich falls off roof while fixing. Does she complain? No, she climbs back up roof, falls off again, waits for death. Doctor says, “Slow down, Grandma Nudnich! Why you work so hard?” I say, What choice does Grandma Nudnich have? Who will change lightbulb, wash duck? Russian grandbabies? None. She suffers.
A Star Is Born
The nights are long. I sit in dark. Hear knock at door. I open, see Death. It speaks. Says, “Where are the big, strong Russian grandbabies?” I say, “Why you ask Grandma Nudnich for? If only she knew!”
All is blur since Grandma Nudnich lose glasses while sweeping chimney (who else will?). In morning, I wake, see bright light. Is this God? No. Only aching and still no hulking Russian grandbabies who eat goat. Where are they? Not here. Why? Why you not bring them? Why, why?
This, I like.