I can’t stop taking foul balls from kids at baseball games

Here’s a pet peeve: What is it about jumbotron camera operators that they love filming me forcibly take foul balls from children at ballparks? Isn’t there a game they’re supposed to be filming on the field?

The truth is, I get a lot of flak for taking baseballs from children, especially when it’s on camera. But I simply cannot help myself — it is the absolute best way to get a foul ball at the ballpark. If I have to fight their dads for it, too, so much the better. I don’t back down. There is a deadness in my eyes that lets them know that.

Footage of me stealing foul balls from children goes viral seemingly every other day. And sometimes the ballpark will performatively award the sad-sap kid in the video with a special gift package or a signed bat. Very nice, but they don’t have the foul ball, do they? Nope, they don’t. That’s mine. I have that. And it’s not going anywhere.

People keep saying online that I should be fired. Fuck you, you can’t fire me. Only my boss can do that, which he has. Wanna guess how many foul balls he has?

I’ll see you at the ballpark!