Lives of the Ain’ts: Magdaline the Forthright
Butler’s “Lives of the Saints” was first published in 1756. Since then scholars have discovered that there were several last-minute trims to the text prior to publication. This series presents the saints who did not make the final cut.
Born in 1462–63, Magdaline the Forthright was a sickly child, afflicted with scoliosis, crossed eyes and, for unexplainable reasons, often coughed up hairballs. Confined to her sickbed, she spent her hours immersed in reading the scripture, along with the occasional true crime.
When she turned 18, Magdaline attempted to join a nunnery, but was turned away because she insisted on having a little propeller on the top of her habit. She resigned herself to writing letters, many of them critical of the church and advocating for reform. “The procession to the altar should be in the form of a conga line,” she wrote in one such letter. “This would please the Lord.”
In another letter, Magdaline stressed, “If I see another priest picking his nose up there I’m going to give him a stigmata right upside the head.”
Theology
Magdaline’s other writings often centered on theology of the body, and she made waves among church leaders with the release of her 1506 treatise, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Both Are Disgusting.”
It was Magdaline who first suggested parishioners should all wear paper bags over their heads during church services. She also insisted that sex should only take place on tax day, and should remain between a woman and a man, preferably a lumberjack-type, if it can be helped.
War
When Magdaline’s village, Crokania, was seized by Lord Flubber in 1561, Magdaline led a revolt. Taking a page from the Trojans, Magdaline attempted to offer a gift horse to Lord Flubber that was secretly filled with Crokanians. However, in a misunderstanding of the story, Magdaline was determined to use an actual horse for the task and the result was “messy.”
Outnumbered but undeterred, Magdaline became an early adopter of “Made You Look” on the battlefield, a war tactic that caused Lord Flubber’s armies to crumble with confusion and mild embarrassment.
The war reached its crescendo during the Battle of Easter, when Magdaline and her parishioners dressed up as rabbits and, unfortunately, all hopped right off a cliff.
Papal influence
When two popes were accidentally elected at the same time due to a mixup by Cardinal Idiot (later beatified), it was Magdaline who suggested a talent show be held to decide the true pope. Pope Luger took home the papacy with his trombone solo, while Pope Humbolt’s hula hoop act failed to impress.
Miracles
Magdaline was credited with several miracles during her lifetime, not including always getting a great spot in the church parking lot. One afternoon, while deep in meditation, it was said Magdaline began to radiate like the sun, giving all those around her a perfect tan (Magdaline later brushed off the event and credited it to moisturizing).
Another time, Magdaline was leading a prayer group through the woods when a bear approached them and asked for the meaning of life. Magdaline produced a gun (not yet invented) and shot the bear in the skull.
Magdaline the Forthright is considered the patron saint of barbecues you weren’t invited to. Her Feast Day (November Nlemth) is celebrated by leaving your shoes outside your front door so they’ll air out a bit.
A Prayer to Saint Magdaline:
O brave, considerate Magdaline
Bring my petition to the Lord
And ask Him if these jeans
Make me look fat?
