Lives of the Ain’ts: Weiland the Punctual
Butler’s “Lives of the Saints” was first published in 1756. Since then scholars have discovered that there were several last-minute trims to the text prior to publication. This series presents the saints who did not make the final cut.
Often behind schedule, Weiland the Punctual is known for being perhaps the only saint to be given his name sarcastically (Vulcan the Aways-Fragrant’s case being deemed “inconclusive” during the Council of Loins). After his death, legend has it that Weiland’s body began to ascend to the heavens before doing the lambada and falling into a ditch, causing the holy man to be, in an unfortunate irony, late to his own funeral.
Early days
Weiland was born in the Middle Ages, known at the time as “The Ages.” His parents were mud lumpers, a profession that no longer exists and made little sense even when it did. Weiland attempted to take up the family trade but it was said he lacked drive.
“Weiland will never lump mud professionally,” Weiland’s father, Meiland, famously wrote in dung on a horse’s ass. “He shows no promise and — shite, I wish this horse would stop kicking me in the feckin’ head.”
Failure, conversion
Failing mud lumping and desperate for funds, Weiland opened what is believed to be the first-ever kissing booth, a concept that failed to gain traction due to both the ongoing bubonic plague and what was then described as Weiland’s “bubonic breath.”
Weiland’s first encounter with the divine occurred when he was wandering around one evening and spotted an angel urinating in the woods. Weiland immediately went home, shaved his eyebrows and dedicated his life to mysticism.
Persecution
Following his conversion, Weiland wasted no time in being persecuted for his beliefs. He was often held down and tickled until he’d admit that none of the apostles could dunk (he’d later repent and be absolved of this at the Council of Phlegm). Weiland also became the recipient of the only “atomic wedgie” to be officially recognized by the pope.
Although his village never fully embraced his message, Weiland is credited with the first animal conversion after he convinced a wild boar to quit masturbating.
Visions
Weiland would frequently speak of intense visions during his period of mysticism, and once saw Saint Peter execute a perfect three-point turn. Saint Paul would also often appear to Weiland and ask if anyone had been watering his plants.
Despite his visions, Weiland was never recognized as a doctor of the church during his lifetime, largely due to his insistence that they reorder the Old Testament to be alphabetical.
Weiland achieved a hermetic status in his later years after finding a hut on the outskirts of his village with an incredible mortgage that he “simply couldn’t pass up.”
The Feast Day of Weiland the Punctual (Aug. 4½) is celebrated by rubbing canola oil on the gums of the elderly.
Weiland is considered the patron saint of hoping the toilet will flush.
A Prayer to Saint Weiland:
I am sorry I can’t come to
The phone right now
But please leave a message
And I will get back to you
As soon as I can
Amen.
