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Notes From My First Month As A Volunteer Firefighter

It turns out fighting fire with fire does not actually work.

r.j. kushner
3 min readJan 7, 2025
Photo by Matt C on Unsplash

Not a great first day. A giant anaconda got into the firehouse and I chopped it up real good with my machete. But it turns out it was just a big hose. They took away my machete and said I wasn’t supposed to have that. Went to bed mad, which I swore I’d never do.

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Got in a big fight with Fire Chief Greg. Refused to wear the firefighter gear because it makes my ass look enormous. Greg said it’s “standard issue,” but he knows next to nothing about my ass and what makes it look best. Reached an impasse. Got in trouble again later for putting a ball of aluminum foil in the microwave.

A sign demanding volunteers “wash their hands” before using the firepole went up this morning and feels pointed at me. My hands are always greasy from eating legs of lamb, which wouldn’t be so messy if they’d give me my machete back. Finally saw the “Hawk Tuah” video. Hilarious! Spit on that thang!!!

Another lecture from “Fart Chief” Greg, this time for taking the fire engine to Sonic. Big talk from someone who constantly drives over the speed limit. Anyway, I’m starting to think I’m the one who gave everyone foot fungus.

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r.j. kushner
r.j. kushner

Written by r.j. kushner

Dubbed by the New York Times as “all out of free articles this month.”

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