Member-only story
Punxsutawney Phil Sees A Shadow On His X-Ray
I knew it.
I’m a giant rodent famous for predicting things, you didn’t think I could predict that one day I’d contract some sort of horrible disease?
“Don’t worry so much, Phil,” you said. “Don’t be so neurotic, Phil.” “You’re bumming everyone out, Phil.” Well, guess what? I went to the doctor for a cough and there was a shadow on my x-ray. I saw it. You think I don’t recognize a shadow when I see one?
The doctor said it’s probably nothing but wanted to “run some tests” just to be on the “safe side.” I know what that’s code for: get your affairs in order. Six more weeks of winter? How about six more weeks to live. Now I’m sitting here watching my cell phone, waiting for the results. Waiting for the call that will determine my future. How the tables have turned. I bet you’re just loving this.
Needless to say, I’m inconsolable. I can’t focus on anything. Not even my funny little top hat cheers me up. Groundhog Day is canceled, of course. Let’s face it, it’s more a day for you than for me. You wanna see spring? I’m decaying like a pumpkin in December and you wanna see spring? Hug your loved ones, you ungrateful pigs.
Naturally, times like this, you think about where you went wrong. I took a puff of a cigarette my junior year of college. Was that the beginning of the…
