I blow right past this stop sign every morning and have never had an issue.

The Real Reason We Procrastinate

r.j. kushner

--

Hello and welcome to another edition of Extreme Meditation for Winning. I’m your guest blogger, Ryan Kushner (™). I’m a hunter, gatherer and chief safety officer for the crew of the River Maiden (RIP).

Procrastination. It’s like cheap cocaine in a Wendy’s bathroom: everybody’s done it. But unlike cheap cocaine in a Wendy’s bathroom, procrastination is one of the biggest roadblocks to a life of Extreme Meditation and winning.

So, why do we do it? Is it because we’re overwhelmed by modern society? Is it because we fear our true potential? Is it because “procrastination” is such a weird, long word that our eyes glaze over and we can’t finish reading it?

An important message can still be a disappointing amount of Scrabble points.

All of these are possibilities. But there’s another, much bigger reason we procrastinate: Our minds are being blocked by Nedwa, MindController King of the Planet Chum.

I read about Nebwa online when I was supposed to be looking for a lawyer for my court hearing and my life was forever changed. Everything suddenly made so much sense. Here’s what I learned about Nebwa:

  • He uses powerful MindBlokkers that cause Earthlings to procrastinate, preventing them from finishing tasks and reaching their true potential.
  • He is revered as a god on his planet (Chum).
  • He charges $300 an hour for consultations (I may have mixed this one up with one of the lawyers I was researching, but I cannot remember).

Now, you’re probably thinking, “That seems like a formidable foe to go up against. How can I defeat Nebwa and take back my life and beat these bogus parking violation charges?”

There’s nothing I love more than arranging all my little clocks and coasters on my big red wall.

Unfortunately, there is no known way to combat the powerful mind-blocking of Nebwa. Wearing tinfoil on my head has done nothing but further convince people that I resemble a baked cod fish.

And so we must rely on Extreme Meditation Tip #9: If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. For example, I have been putting much time and effort into controlling the mind of a certain district court judge. Yesterday I made him yawn. In a way, I’m more focused and energized than I’ve ever been. I owe that to Nebwa.

I know I have a long way to go — and I still look like a baked cod fish.

But it’s a big ocean, and the possibilities are endless.

Don’t be afraid to go out and find them.

Extreme Meditation for Winning is sponsored by Nuclear Waste. Ask us about ways Nuclear Waste can benefit your neighborhood today.

And for more court-ordered wisdom, go here:

--

--

r.j. kushner

Dubbed by the New York Times as “all out of free articles this month.”