This American Monument: The Eiffel Tower
This series, sponsored by our friends at Blackstone and Northrop Grumman, will explore the untold histories of America’s most monumental monuments while sharing previously overtold personal observations.
There are few American monuments more iconic than the immaculate Eiffel Tower. I mean, come on, just look at that big, pointy structure. And the lights? Sheesh. It gives you a burst of energy, makes you want to put some pants on, go outside and roll around on the ground a little bit. Magnifique! (That’s French for “Wowee!”) Frankly, it makes you proud to be American. At least we got two things right: The Eiffel Tower, and chips so spicy they make you sick.
How the hell was it built?
You’re probably wondering, “How the hell was it built?” The Eiffel Tower is one of the only American structures to be built from the top down. It was extremely difficult and required a lot of strings and no small amount of leaf blowers pointed up in the air. It was also a long construction process, and one of the few 19th century projects where more than half of the workforce died of boredom.
What the hell’s it made of?
Now you’re probably asking, “What the hell’s it made of?” Well, there are nicer ways to ask that, but I’ll fill you in. The Eiffel Tower is the only American monument to be made entirely of bones. Whose bones, you ask? The bones are all from the skeleton of an oily baron named Frank Tink, who’s dying wish was to have all his bones used to build the Eiffel Tower “or something similar.” It is unclear why Tink had so many bones. Even after the Eiffel Tower was built, several buckets of Tink’s bones were left over. “There’s no way we can use all these bones,” one of the construction workers told a reporter at the time. “Anybody want some of these bones?” The rest of Tink’s bones were eventually donated to the needy, where they were used for “whatever.”
What the fuck does it do?
Will you take it easy? Jesus. Like all American monuments, the Eiffel Tower has a greater purpose. Incredibly, the structure is actually capable of functioning as a rocketship. It was designed to blast off should a Polish American ever be elected president. As of 2013, the 19th-century thrusters were found to be “still intact,” and there was much discussion among world leaders about how great a picture of the Eiffel Tower on the moon would look on Instagram.
What’s this shit?
That’s my notebook. It’s where I keep my notes. Give it back.
OK. What are some fun facts about the Eiffel Towel?
It’s “Tower.” And I’m glad you asked. A lot has been revealed about Eiffel Tower over the years but there are still plenty of secrets and fun facts that aren’t commonly known. For example, did you know that technically the Eiffel Tower has a nutsack? In fact, it —
Why don’t you stop hitting yourself?
I’d like to, but you’re controlling my arm. Quit it.
What are you doing with that knife?
Defending myself. I’m tired of you pushing me around.
Hey, stop it. I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?
I can when it’s good intentioned.
Let’s all just calm down, OK?
I am calm. In fact, I’m calmer than I’ve been in a long time.
Put the knife down. This isn’t you.
You don’t know me. You don’t know me at all.
Look, I like the Eiffel Tower, OK?
Really?
Yes! It’s really cool.
And it has a lot of history?
A lot of history! Yes!
Gimme your wallet.
What?
I said gimme your goddamn wallet. Now!
OK, OK! Here.
Good. I’m taking your driver’s license.
Wait, I —
Hold on. I said I’m taking your driver’s license. And in one year’s time, if I find out you haven’t been to visit the Eiffel Tower in person, I’m going to find you. And I’m going to finish what we started. Do you understand me?
What does —
I said, Do you understand me?
Yes! Yes, I understand! Please!
Good. Now get going. And as you gaze up at that glorious, blinking bone rocketship that is the Eiffel Tower, don’t forget to have the absolute time of your life!
