Wrestles with God
Lettest thou get ready to rumble.
So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” The man asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered. Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” — Genesis 32:24–28
God: Ow! Stop!
Jacob: What?
God: You nearly poked my eye!
Jacob: Oh, don’t be a baby.
God: A baby? Do you know who you’re talking to? I am the Alpha and the Omega!
Jacob: Well, the Alpha and the Omega sure does cry a lot.
God: I am not crying. My eye is watering as a reflex to nearly getting poked out.
Jacob: Look, if you want me to take it easy on you, just say so.
God: I just want you to fight without cheating, if you don’t mind.
Jacob: I wasn’t cheating.
God: You don’t think I know when you’re lying?
Jacob: I don’t think you’re completely unbiased in this situation.
God: Let’s just get back to it. Time in.
Jacob: OK.
God: Timeout!
Jacob: What now?
God: Your elbow is right in my chest.
Jacob: So?
God: So? So I can hardly breathe! Timeout!
Jacob: Fine.
God: OK, time in!
Jacob: Hey! Now who’s cheating?
God: Gonna cry, bitch?
Jacob: No, I’m gonna do this.
God: Timeout.
Jacob: No more timeouts!
God: Timeout! I’m serious!
Jacob: Fine.
God: Look, I’ve got to go. It’s nearly morning.
Jacob: It’s barely 8 p.m.
God: You do realize I could smite you? If I really wanted to?
Jacob: Then do it.
God: I said if I really wanted to I could.
Jacob: Then let’s see it.
God: I could if I wanted, I just don’t want to right now because I have to go.
Jacob: OK.
God: “OK.”
Jacob: Whatever.
God: “Whatever.”
Jacob: That’s it.
God: “That’s — ” Hey! We are in timeout! Timeout!
