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WTF? Nosferatu Told Me My Blood Smell Like Piss
Don’t meet your heroes.
I used to think chivalry was alive and well. Then I got kicked out of Medieval Times for trying to “reintroduce the plague.” Forgive me for being a stickler for period accuracy, I guess! Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong time period. Then I go home and watch car crash videos on my phone until I pass out.
When I first met Nosferatu, I thought he would be different from other, less authentic areas of my life. He seemed real, like an old soul, someone who’d appreciate a firesale or the melodic pipes of Randy Newman. A dignitary like that probably knew when to say things like “Please” and “Thank you” and “Unhand me, sir.” But unfortunately, Nosferatu turned out to be just like everyone else. He looked me right in the eye and told me my blood smell like piss. Don’t meet your heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
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How I met Nosferatu (I call him Nosy — he hates it) is a tale as old as time. I was wandering around a dark forest trying to make content for my YouTube channel and stumbled upon his castle. Jackpot, right? Wrong. My iPhone got a virus from trying to download “Age of Ultron” 100 times and shut down so I couldn’t record anything.
